Peculiarity
by Medicinal Biscuit
Summary: Tragically Crackish. For in all his self-confident complacency, Kabuto had failed to recall that there was one peculiarity he was NOT accustomed to. DARK ironic humor rated T for language and themes. No Pairings.


**Beginning Notes: **Don't freak out, people...I have in no way given up on _A Curse From Beyond the Grave_ I just really want to post this. Chapter two of my serial fic will be up by tomorrow night, for sure.

A Big Thank you to all the kind souls who took pity on me, and spared me a review wink wink nudge nudge you will all be mentioned by name in the next chapter of

_A Curse From Beyond the Grave._

**Warnings:** Okay..this is kind of dark and ironic ( not to mention extremely sarcastic) so the type of humor used here may not appeal to everyone (if ya hate it, not my problem, flames roast Karin's head on a spit, yadda yadda, been over it all before, ne?) It's based loosely off of something I heard on NPR ( don't ask)

-May be some oocness, smidgen of language, and weirdness.. OO

-Rated T for language and morbid themes.

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, or the segment from NPR that this is very loosely based off of.**

And now without further ado..please enjoy Medicinal Biscuit's-

_Peculiarity_

Being the medical professional of Otogakure no sato, Yakushi Kabuto was no stranger to peculiarities. During his many years of servitude to the Snake Sannin, he had learned to take all manner of strangeness in his stride. He had taken care of his Orochimaru-Sama whenever one of his macabre experiments backfired, he had gotten over his fear of snakes, he had healed grievous battle wounds of every imaginable description, and, perhaps his greatest feat, he had kept Kaguya Kimimaro alive all these years.

'Yes,' mused Kabuto to himself, 'I really am one of the best! I can handle anything, so whatever freakish fix these fools have gotten themselves into recently, bring it on!' The medic nin continued tidying up the intensive care unit that Kimimaro had so recently vacated. In fact, that was the main reason for Kabuto's upsurge in self-confidence; he had, once again, saved a terminally ill patient from the grave.

Kabuto walked to the door, his cocky grin still in place. Turning around to give the room a last once-over, he turned, flicked the lights off, and was about to leave when the door burst open, practically knocking him backwards into some expensive-looking, fancy, and menacingly shiny medical equipment.

"Kabuto-sensei!" yelled Kindomaru, extra limbs flailing in agitation," You have to help me!!"Kabuto sighed, and carefully extracting himself from the artificial respirators, asked wearily. "well, what is it, Kindomaru-kun? Has one of your arms fallen asleep again?"

"No! Worse!" said Kindomaru as he reached out of Kabuto's line of vision, and retrieved a very large, strangely-shaped bundle. Plopping the pile of fabric down right in front of Kabuto, Kindomaru proclaimed, " I think he's sick."

The blankets shifted to reveal one long, hairy leg, and Kabuto could feel the warm, putrid bile rising in his throat. He broke into a cold sweat, and he was sure his face must be white as a sheet.For in all his self-confident complacency, Kabuto had failed to recall that there was one peculiarity he was NOT accustomed to.

"Ahh..umm, one of your spi-spi-spiders. Yes..I-I see.."

Kabuto _hated_ spiders. The way they looked, smelled, and, especially, the way the moved. As far as he was concerned, nothing with more than four legs needed to be hairy and inclined to drool. Those were characteristics to be expected of dogs, not _bugs._ Not to mention the word 'arachnid' was simply offensive-to Kabuto at least. But as much as he may have hated it, Kabuto had a reputation to uphold. So. struggling to maintain his professional demeanor, he began to question Kindomaru about the ailments of his arachnid companion.

"So, what symptoms has...it...been displaying?"

"Well, he's not acting like he feels well. He just hasn't been himself lately."

Kabuto had to fight with every ounce of his self control to keep a straight face, '_just hasn't been himself lately?'_

Kindomaru continued, voice rising in panic,

"And then today, he was acting really weird, and I looked in his bed, and noticed one of his legs fell off!"

The unfortunate medic nin stared cross-eyed at the offending appendage being brandished madly mere inches from his face-not failing to notice the coarse black and orange hairs covering every inch of it.

Suppressing the urge to vomit, Kabuto managed to choke out,

"Yes, well, if its legs are falling off, it's _definitely _sick."

"What should I do?!" yelled and anguished Kindomaru, too distraught to even make a wry comment at Kabuto;s ridiculously obvious conclusion.

Kabuto, meanwhile, frantically wracked his brain for a suitable solution to his spider problem. It would be a cold day in Hell before _he _touched the thing. If Orochimaru-sama found out it was sick, he would kill it. Jirobou would most likely eat it. Tayuya and Sakon would make fun of Kindomaru (not that Kabuto cared, but the repercussions would undoubtedly affect him). 'if only one of the S Classed criminals in this madhouse was actually tolerant of the needs of others!' he thought in frustration. And the it hit him.

"Kimimaro-kun!"

"Huh?" said Kindomaru

"Take it to Kimimaro-kun, he'll know what to do!"

"He will?!" Kindomaru looked trustingly at Kabuto with large eye all a-glitter with hope. Kabuto was, once again, finding it difficult to keep from gagging.

'Che-the Hell if I knew,' he thought, but out loud he said, " yes, of course," in the most kindly, reassuring voice he could muster.

"Thank you so much Kabuto-sensei!" Shouted Kindomaru, hastily scooping up the spider, and running frantically to Kimimaro.

Kabuto pushed up his glasses and let the false reassuring smile he had forced onto his features slip off.

"Che-that's what Kimimaro-kun gets for being so damn perfect and polite all the time. I say _he_ should have to deal with schizos every once in a while- even if he i_s_ Orochimaru-sama's _'favorite.' _" Kabuto continued to mutter darkly to himself as he finally made his way out of the intensive care unit and into one of his secondary exam rooms. Once there, he began his routine cleaning without further interruption-that is until and anguished scream rent through the air. Kabuto didn't even bother to look up. When one lives in a base full of evil shinobi and people of questionable mental health, one learns to disregard the little things.

A few minutes after the first disturbance, a second appeared in the form of Kimimaro.

"Kabuto-sensei."

The medic nin looked up at the sound of Kimimaro's quiet, soothing voice; the light from the open doorway dancing across the lenses of his glasses.

"Kimimaro-kun." he said tersely.

"Did you send Kindomaru to me with a sick spider?"

"Yes, you know I hate them."

Kimimaro didn't press the matter. He decided instead to make a direct blow to Kabuto's ridiculously inflated ego.

"You misdiagnosed it," he said flatly.

"Oh?" Kabuto challenged confidently, letting a smirk adorn his features. Even though he didn't even look at it ( if he could help it) he could tell there was something seriously wrong with the eight-legged monstrosity. One didn't have to be one of the most skilled medical professionals in the world to see that- but, coincidentally, he was! Kimimaro was just plain wrong, and he planned to prove it. He asked smugly, "Care to tell me how?"

"Gladly," Kimimaro said tonelessly, "you said it was 'sick', but had you actually looked at the thing, you would not have failed to notice its most obvious symptom."

Kabuto's smirk grew. "And what, pray tell, was that?" This was it..that uppity little brat was going _down._

"It was dead."

Kabuto felt his breath being sucked out of his body as he gasped- utterly staggered. It was like the Kaguya prodigy had served him his pride for dinner; roasted and stuffed on a sliver platter complete with bib and 'kiss-the-cook' apron. All he could say was, "Ah." The degraded medic nin made a vain attempt to salvage his pride, as he fumbled around the room pretending to be cleaning; squirming uncomfortably under the scrutinizing green stare of Kimimaro all the while. Luckily for him, he was spared the awkwardness of the situation by a third and final interruption:

A funeral procession.

Kindomaru was sobbing and cradling the departed spider tenderly in his many arms. It was wrapped in a white shroud and one could make out funerary amulets tucked in the folds-glinting in the soft light of the ward. Jirobou looked appropriately somber, while Tayuya and Sakon looked like they would rather be anywhere else. Everyone was wearing black, and he latter three were carrying candles and incense.

Kindomaru led the procession up to the solemn Kaguya and the dumbfounded Kabuto.

"I just wanted to thank you both for your help-even though ya couldn't do shit...It just sniff means so much..." he broke down sobbing.

Jirobou walked up to Kabuto, and took him by the arms, as he literally forced a black robe over his head- using brute strength to quell any protests.

"Kabuto-sensei, we want you to do the liturgy, since you were so close to the dearly departed. Kindomaru would do it, but he;s just so overcome..."

Kabuto dearly would have loved to ask him what the Hell kinda fantasy world he lived in, '_close the the dearly departed-wha?'_ But unfortunately, he found himself unwillingly becoming the liturgist for the funeral of a spider, and being dragged bodily to the grave. He thought about protesting, but in the end, he submitted. He had learned long ago that protest is futile against insanity.

Kimimaro merely remained where he was for several minutes; watching the retreating figures of his teammates. Eventually, he felt Orochimaru come up from behind him and slip an arm around his waist, as he asked softly,

"Kimimaro-kun? What are you doing?"

The Kaguya sighed. Oh, how he would have loved to say,

' Wallowing in despair at the shameful incompetence and astounding idiocy of my peers.'

but being the obedient tool he is, he said,

"...nothing, Orochimaru-sama,"

and turned to follow his lord and master; disappearing down the dank corridors, as the graveside dirges followed-drifting on the wind.

FIN

...Well..that was, like, 1,000 times better than the version I originally wrote in my notebook. I guess you could say there were tiiiiny hints of orokabu, orokimi if you desperately wanted it to be there. I dunno, I'm pretty proud of this, actually...it's kinda bittersweet..don't cha think? ( and no, that's not a rhetorical question...It's my not-so-subtle way of begging for REVIEWS!!)

a demain, my dear readers!!!

-Medicinal Biscuit


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